Being the Peace Keeper, Is Killing My Peace

Lately, my mind has repeatedly taken me back to time where I chose to “keep the peace” or “not bring it up, because it wasn’t the right time”. Many of us have always chosen to take the route of being the bigger person, and letting the dust settle to keep fragile relationships in intact.  Not wanting to speak up for yourself, because well, you don’t want to be the reason the family has to choose where to go on Thanksgiving, or because you don’t want to be the reason your friend has to host two separate events, because you’ve made everyone angry.

If it’s one thing I’m learning, is that always choosing to keep the peace has pretty much led to no peace at all. I mean really think about who is truly at peace, when you can’t speak your mind to the people who are supposed to love and appreciate you? Why have we been taught that trying to respectively explain yourself to your parents is “disrespectful”? Why can’t people be called out, in a loving way, and still walk away feeling loved and respected?

I think back to past friendships, where I know for a fact people who I have held in high regard in my life, have spoken very ill of me. They have made other people think ill of me. What do you think I did? I stayed quiet, I kept the peace, or so I thought. The truth is I protected their heart and their peace, but fully sacrificed my own. I made their lies my truth. I took all that on the chin, and most will never know how my own self-worth and heart were shattered due to their betrayal.

Family dynamics have also played a role in why we sometimes chose to “shut up and walk away”. Who really wants to be responsible for making family chose where to spend the holidays? No one wants that kind of weight on their shoulders. No one wants to be the one “who doesn’t respect their elders”. But if we think about it, what has this cost us? Years of depression and self-suffocation, that’s what. All because we’ve been taught from childhood to “shut up and play”, or my favorite “Don’t talk back”. But are we really talking back? Maybe we were just trying to talk. Maybe we just needed to be heard. Maybe this set the stage for some of us, recoil and remain docile in our adult lives.

I also look at how this has played out in my career. I tend to sit on information I have learned, because I don’t want to rock the boat, or come off as the angry black woman. I often let things ride, and just do my job and go home. But I realize I can’t truly be fulfilled if I continue to hold my tongue, and just walk away.

To me not speaking up has made my emotional state a little more irritable, I trust people less. I must unlearn the trauma of avoiding my own comfort, to make someone else comfortable. There is truly no personal peace or growth in this zone a lot of us tread in. I don’t know how or when Ill unlearn this behavior, but I’m taking it one conflict at a time, learning to use my voice properly, and keep MY peace.